Some days I feel like I’m really going to be ok…that I’m making some kind of progress through this grieving process and really getting myself back together. I laugh, smile, and feel genuinely happy. Then out of the blue…there comes a day like this one, when I wrote the paragraphs that follow…through tears and so much sadness…on Easter Sunday. My first holiday without Mom to share it with in some way. I could clean up what I wrote, I thought, make it not sound like one big sad, rambling run-on sentence…but my goal with this blog is to honestly connect with anyone taking the time to read it, and to share who I am with you, run-on sentences, tears and all. So here goes…a not so great day in my new journey…
It’s Easter Sunday. My first major holiday without my Mom, and thankfully I am off from work because I woke up today a complete emotional mess. I had nightmares all night, and woke up just overwhelmed remembering this time last year…just one year ago…when I took vacation to go back home to surprise Mom out of the blue for the holiday. We wound up having a wonderful dinner together with my fiance’s niece and her husband…Mom eating lasagna for the first time (she had convinced herself forever that she’d hate it)…and then actually LOVING it…looking at their wedding memory book giving Mom a chance to see the rest of my fiance’s family she hadn’t met yet…laughing…making a memory I will have now forever…just a happy day filled with love and laughter. I flew in on Easter and stayed the whole week. It was, looking back, the last happy times we had together in our old house, our last really great time together before Cancer bullied its way in, bringing with it surgery and chemo, little by little stealing essentially everything that Mom had come to love about life…until it took its final fatal shot three months ago.
I’ve cried so much today…didn’t leave the house at all…could not imagine going out seeing happy families enjoying the holiday together while all of my immediate family is gone. So I hid out…fed the jays and chickadees and squirrels in our front yard…soaked up some sun…enjoyed the peace and quiet. And cried. A lot. And remembered. Remembered some of the memories that honestly sometimes feel like they happened to someone else now because everything about that life I had before when my Mom was alive is over, gone. All I have left are the memories…simple, silly little things sometimes, but so precious.
Pizza Sundays…Bay Park Fish lunches…panko crusted fish and chips…fresh caught. Trips to Keils…Applebees dinners or lunches…drives by La Jolla beaches or Mission Bay…the water, the sun, the boats and oh how we loved the spinnaker sails when we saw them.
Trips to bookstores and libraries…especially libraries when I was a kid growing up…pick anything don’t just look at the kids’ books, she said, and always keep reading, learning…thank you Mom for my love of books and writing.
Thank you Mom also for taking me to the beach, the ocean, when I was just a baby just a few days old. From that I connected the salty sea smell, the crashing waves, the warm sand, the cool water, with love and safety. Even now everything about being near the ocean, the water, calms me, makes me happy, and gives me a peace like no other. Thank you Mom for that. Thank you for so many wonderful memories that now comfort me in your absence. In my head I knew someday this time was ahead…moving through the rest of my life without my Mom…my heart just never wanted to believe it would ever really come.